Man, it has been almost 10 years since I posted on this site. I started it as a semi-travel blog to share what the Lord was doing in my heart and what I was learning as I had the opportunity to travel. Today, I still want to use it to share what I'm learning and what the Lord is doing in my heart, but this entry is about a much more sobering topic than traveling in Europe or South Africa. Truth be told, I have been extremely torn on whether or not to share this to the world. Not because of any sense of shame I've been feeling. These things happen to women way more than is even talked about. It is just hard to share bad news with people. However, my heart in sharing this is truly for all of you to see the goodness of God in the midst of our trials, and if you are someone who needs to hear this in the midst of your own trials, be it a health journey or something else, hopefully this can be an encouragement to you.
My miscarriage story...
July 23, 2022
Today was the day our baby was due. Clearly, our gift from the Lord didn't make it. As I write this, my body still hasn't even recovered from the multiple procedures I have had to have as a result of this miscarriage. I decided to share this journey not because of the "shock and awe" factor, but to proclaim the Lord's faithfulness in the midst of this trial, and to share that if you are walking through what feels like the darkest valley you have ever faced, (miscarriage or something else), YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
We found out we were pregnant in November, and were ecstatic! Blown away and so grateful that it had been so "easy" for us. We lived with it for a few weeks, just me and Aaron, and then I had my first ultrasound appointment in December. We were hoping to give our families ultrasound pics for Christmas around the 11-12 week mark. No heart beat yet though. The sweet ultrasound tech told me the dates were probably off. But I knew in my gut something was wrong. She asked me to come in a week later, and then another week after that. Nothing. My hormone levels were tracking, but the baby's growth was not. They officially declared it a miscarriage in mid-December, 9 weeks into the pregnancy.
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| Our first date night out of the house after we found out we had lost the baby. There is something healing and *magical* about walking through Christmas lights in December! |
I had to wait several more weeks to see if my body would pass everything on its own. When it didn't, at the beginning of January I had to have a procedure called a d&c, pretty standard stuff for what was happening in my body. After the d&c, my body developed an extremely rare complication called an AVM, (an "arteriovenous malformation"), in my uterus. Essentially, as best I can describe it without a medical degree of any kind, some of my veins and/or arteries became disconnected from each other, and they were pumping blood into my uterus with nowhere for it all to go. Soon, my internal bleeding became external bleeding, a pretty scary experience. This lasted for months. Some days were better than others, but I lived in constant fear of bleeding through my clothes or sudden moments of extremely heavy blood loss, both of which happened more than once. My doctors were confused because at the time, an AVM was the last thing they expected, so it wasn't something that was even considered initially. I spent many mornings and afternoons getting ultrasounds, getting bloodwork done, checking my iron levels, and then finally, at the beginning of March, getting an MRI. Just to give you insight into why an AVM wasn't being considered as a possibility - as of 2013, there were less than 100 documented cases ever recorded of AVMs in the uterus. Unfortunately for me, almost all of them were resolved with a hysterectomy. Since then, there hasn't been a lot of research or a lot more documentation on it, so my doctor's were scrambling when the MRI confirmed what they feared. With their heavy workloads, I have to say that I was in awe, and so extremely grateful, for their time and care as they worked hard to figure out the best solution for my health.
After they consulted the literature and any other doctors with knowledge of an AVM in the uterus, doing as much last minute research as they all could, it was concluded that to try to preserve any chance of a future pregnancy, I would not get a hysterectomy, but instead, they would attempt a UAE (a "Uterine Artery Embolism"). This is where they would try to block the arteries and veins that were bleeding out with teeny, tiny steel coils by going through a vein in my wrist. Modern medicine is unreal...!
In the midst of the research, one of my doctors came across some medicine that MIGHT stop the bleeding and prevent the surgery. For the 2 weeks leading up to the already scheduled procedure, I took a pill 3 times a day. I was hopeful, but at this point, I was pretty sure nothing was going to work. I asked people to pray at each time of day when I took it. The pills didn't work. The Sunday before my surgery, we sang the song "Firm Foundation" in church. All of the lyrics are powerful at any point in life when you hear them, but they were especially poignant two days before this operation: "I've still got joy in chaos, I've got peace that makes no sense [...] 'Cause I've built my life on Jesus, He's never let me down, He's faithful through every season, So why would He fail now?, He won't!" Then, during the bridge you sing, "I'm safe with You, I'm gonna make it through" and at that point, I started weeping. I knew that no matter the outcome of this procedure, I was safe with my Heavenly Father.
I went in the morning of March 22nd. I was fully aware that if things went bad, I could be waking up without a uterus. I actually had to agree or disagree with the fact that if my life was in danger as a result of this procedure, and if I needed one, I would receive a life saving blood transfusion, and/or a hysterectomy. I agreed, and went under not knowing what I would wake up to.
I am thankful to say that the procedure was a "success", and I stopped bleeding about 2 weeks after. I have never felt more kinship to the bleeding woman in the Bible who wanted Jesus's healing hand. After 4+ months of nonstop bleeding, it had finally stopped. When I went in for my follow up appointment in April, Sheila, the same ultrasound tech who tried to encourage me that maybe our dates were off in December, and the same one who had to tell me over and over again that my ultrasounds looked abnormal, told me that everything looked "normal and boring", the best news I had heard in months. I got in my car in the hospital parking lot and just wept. Up until that point, I had not cried in that office. I'm not sure how, but at that moment, it was truly as if the months of holding in the tears from all the bad news released and I just released it all and thanked God.
Where was/is God in all of this?
Between the emotional and physical pain, this has probably been the hardest thing I have ever walked through in my life. Yet, I can honestly tell you that the Holy Spirit has never felt closer. It becomes extremely depressing and disheartening to receive consistent bad news from doctors. My mental health struggled at times. It was even harder for me to keep sharing that bad news with loved ones. Yet, the Lord continued to stay close. As I was walking through this, I was able to see some of the ways Jesus loved me and cared for me, but I can see even more at this point, and I want to share as much as I can.
Prayers and People: I had a team of people praying for me and doing life with us... through the months of waiting and enduring, on surgery days #1 and #2, with the dozens and dozens of doctors appointments and hospital visits, and throughout the recovery. Some of you brought meals, which I didn't realize would be such a blessing until we were there. Some of you sent flowers, which I absolutely love. Some of you made care baskets full of coloring books, gift cards, and magazines to read. Some of you helped me out at work doing whatever you could to make my job even a little bit easier. Some of you just prayed without ceasing. I have tears in my eyes thinking about all of you. My prayer warriors and my people. Thank you. Each of you.
Scripture: It felt like each time I had my quiet time, God had something for me, usually not something I was necessarily looking for. This happened countless times, but for example, I was looking for the verses in Isaiah where the Lord promises that in the water, the rivers, and the fires, He will be with us (43:1-3), (a song we sang growing up at Camp DeSoto that played on repeat in my mind). I thought it was in Isaiah 41, but as I began to read, I read "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'" - Isaiah 41:13. It was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. Like I said, it happened countless times, "for the Word of God is living and active"(Hebrews 4:12), and each time you read it, you have the chance to understand even more of what is written there. God opened my eyes many times to the places in Scripture where He comforts us and shows us unconditional love through the toughest of times.
Music: I don't think I can accurately guess how many times I visited the hospital throughout all of this. My doctor's office is in the hospital, so that is a big reason why, but I had a lot of trips there. Almost all of my car rides were spent with worship music on, because I didn't want to be stuck in my thoughts. I felt like each day I turned on the radio, there was a song speaking to me. For example, one day as I was driving to get yet another ultrasound and to get more bloodwork done, I heard the song "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. I was moved by the lyrics which proclaim, "The voice of Truth tells me 'do not be afraid'[,] the voice of Truth tells me 'this is for My glory'". Even though I was weary and confused, I prayed at that moment that God would give me the strength to listen and believe His voice of Truth.
Another example: I heard the song "Promises" by Maverick City Music on yet another trip to the doctor. The entire song is powerful, but I choked up when I heard "Though the storms may come and the winds may blow, I'll remain steadfast, and let my heart learn when You speak a word, it will come to pass." Then it goes on to say, "Yes, I'll still bless You, in the middle of the storm, in the middle of my trial, I'll still bless You, in the middle of the road, when I don't know where to go." Tough y'all. But as I listened, tears filled my eyes and I started thanking God for anything I could think of... the fact that I got to go to work that morning... the fact that I was able to drive myself to the hospital... the fact that I had amazing doctors who lived close by... When you start looking for it, you see it... He is faithful and His faithfulness never runs out.
Devo book: I highly recommend the devotional book Held if you or a loved one are walking through a miscarriage. One of my dearest college friends sent it to me because she used it during her own, and it was continually encouraging and impactful for both me and Aaron. For example, one day I read about all the women in the Old Testament in the Bible who experienced heartache, loss, frustration, confusion, etc. through fertility struggles. They probably didn't understand why it was happening in their time, but we see how the Lord used them to prepare the way for the coming of Jesus. It made me realize that the struggles we face on this side of Heaven are not wasted, even when so often it feels like they are.
Keeping a "Thankfulness" Journal: This is something I started during Lent a few years ago, and I have continued with it because of its great benefit to help me see the good in all things. On March 9, 2022, I was in the midst of everything medically coming to a head. Things were moving from "scary" and "uncomfortable" to "urgent", and I was feeling pretty hopeless. I took some time to write down things I was thankful for to help ground me and here is what I wrote:
"Lord, You have given me strength each day to keep pushing, and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That has been from You. Even when I have been at my most hopeless and distraught, You have been in all of the details, and I wanted to write those down:"
-Amazing doctors who communicate well and who care
-Being on Spring Break while this is all coming to a head
-My parents being free to help with things while Aaron was out of town, and living close enough to do so
-Aaron getting an earlier flight home [from a work trip] last night so we can be together to process everything in person
-Insurance covering 100% of my d&c in January
-My iron levels still being normal (how?!)
-My MRI not taking very long
-The dental hygienist being so compassionate and having gone through a miscarriage of her own when I had to tell her about my updated recent medical history
-[Our dear friend in residency] being able to explain to us what an AVM is in non-doctor terms so we could understand it
-Friends who have been through this reaching out and continuing to pray
-The incredible prayer team of people surrounding us
I closed my journal entry by writing: "Honestly, writing this list down makes me want to praise You and thank You for all you have done for me and will continue to do for me. 'Lord, you are good and your mercy endureth forever'".
Connection with others: There were friends who were willing to share their own stories with me of not only miscarriage, but also deep and hard struggles they were walking through. I was able to lament with them and learn from them. Sharing hard things with people who understand was a huge point of encouragement for me, because I knew I wasn't alone. They knew how I was feeling, even if it wasn't exactly the same circumstance. I could go on and on here, but y'all know who you are, and I can't thank you enough for letting me in to your stories and for getting down in the dirt with me as I worked through mine.
My medical team: They treated me with kindness and compassion each time I saw them, and as y'all already understand at this point, I saw them a lot. As you can imagine, I had lots of questions each time I saw them, and they never made me feel like an inconvenience or a bother. I got on a first name basis with everyone in all of the offices, and they were just so wonderful. They were invested in my story and would ask how I was doing and how things were going. At one point, after what felt like the millionth time of getting my iron levels checked and somehow still hearing they were normal, my new friend Doris who worked behind the front desk took my hand when I told her I wasn't low and she looked me in the eyes and said, "Honey, that's because there is a God". Amen, Doris. I wrote them a letter after my ultrasound follow up in April thanking them for everything and telling them how impactful they had been to me during it all, something I learned from my late grandmother. Each of them had their own stuff going on, but during some of the darkest days of my life, they never made me feel unimportant or uncared for.
My faith: Upon reflection of everything, I realized that without the foundation of my faith, I would have been completely lost walking through this. I wrote my parents a letter thanking them for the years they put in to planting seeds for me. The years of their love and guidance, along with coaches, teachers, mentors, loved ones, and Young Life leaders along the way prepared me for this trial. Do not lose heart if you are in the midst of seed planting. God is faithful.
What's next...?
To be honest, we still don't know. Despite the successful surgery, my body still has to get back to "normal" for it to be safe to try to get pregnant again, and as I shared earlier, it still hasn't. In fact, my doctors have been very honest in saying they aren't sure if pregnancy will ever be a possibility for me. This is based on the lack of research and literature surrounding successful pregnancies after UAEs that treated AVMs. They are hopeful though, so we are too. I have had a lot of people try to encourage me over the last few months saying things like "I'm sure you'll get pregnant again", but that isn't a reality or a surety for me, and without knowing it, those comments have been really hard to hear. Clearly, God's plans are different than mine. That is okay. I trust Him that He has something else for me right now, and it is truly my prayer that if you are walking through something this heavy, you begin to see and believe that too.
I don't spend a lot of time on Instagram or Facebook anywhere. As my mom said a long time ago, "comparison kills contentment", and in the midst of this devastating loss, believe it or not, we are content. Aaron has been the greatest friend and companion through all of this, and even though it has been really, really hard, we have grown closer because of it. He still loves his job and it has been a gift for me to witness all of the gifts and talents the Lord has given him manifest themselves in new ways post-baseball. I am finishing up my masters degree in Elementary Education at UGA and will be teaching 2nd grade in the fall. We bought a house this past spring and are loving this new home we get to share with each other, and with friends and family. We have been able to celebrate countless weddings, babies, and other life events, big and small, with people we love. And while yes, it can be hard to celebrate things for others that you don't have, that will always be true in life. God is faithful through every season, so why would He fail now? He won't! We continue to live our lives for Him waiting to see what He has next in store for us.
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